Back to the Future: The Ride (Part III)
(We open in the same style as "Back to the Future: Part II and III" with: ) The Channel of Awesome Presents. A Camera Jerky Ding-Dong Thing. Fried Egg Smarch 69, 1984 19:85 PM. (We cut to the lightning near the clock tower, but then we cut to Doctor Emmett L. Brown with a proton pack and wand on top of Dana Barrett's Apartment Building, figing at the Stay Puft Marshmellow Man. Ray Parker Jr.'s "Ghostbusters" plays" Ray Parker Jr. (v/o): (Sings) If there's something strange In your neighborhood, Who ya gonna call? Doctor Emmett L. Brown: (Sings along) Ghostbusters! Announcer/Jerk (v/o): And now, back to "Spaceman from Pluto: The Ride..." (Cut back to footage of "Back to the Future: The Ride." The 8 passenger DeLorean goes through the clock tower as it travels through time.) Jerk (v/o): And now that we've destroyed a perfectly good clock tower, it's time to roll back the rock to the dawn of time! Doc Brown: That's Hill Valley below us in the Ice Age! Jerk: The Ice Age? (Thinks for a few seconds on it) You know, I would make jokes about the scene, but for the life of me, I can't think of an angle. So, moving on, then Doc takes (Cut to Static, then to The Nostalgia Critic, who looks angry.) Nostalgia Critic: Jerk. Jerk: (Looking Angry too) Critic. NC: Did the DeLorean just go back to the Ice Age? Jerk: (Through gritted teeth) Maybe. NC: So, to recap: Christopher Lloyd was back to a day when everything was frozen. (The 2 stare at each other) What, do you need a fucking road map? Jerk: Critic, I just spent the last 2 weeks rounding up the other 17 me's and locking them in a bathroom stall (Cut to outside a bathroom stall where we hear the other 17 Jerks yelling incoherently.) I'm to believe Doc Brown, I just twisted the entire space-time continuum into a pretzel and threw it into a Jamba Juice blender! And any minute now, my doppelgängers are gonna realize that the lock is on the inside. So you'll forgive me if I have bigger fish to fry than whether or not I'm USING YOUR MEMES CORRECTLY! NC: Oh, that reminds me, why didn't you put, "This is not over, Bears!" in you're "Country Bears" review? (Jerk Screams.) I think that would have been darling. (We cut back to the ride where the DeLorean is about to go over a cliff) Doc Brown: The engine's dead, everybody lean back! Don't lean right! Wait, wait, wait, hold on! (The engine restarts the 8 passenger DeLorean is hovering again.) Yahoo! Time travel Volunteer/Jerk (v/o): Cool, now can we make a pit stop to kill Stalin? Doc Brown/Jerk (v/o): For the las time, no! (The 8 passenger DeLoean then materializes in the stone age.) Doc Brown: Hang in there, volunteers. It's Biff (Tannen), he's heading for that volcano! (Cut to Jerk, sitting in a Dinosaur themed restaurant.) Jerk: (Rolls his eyes) Figures, no matter how far I travel back in time, something always has the hots for me. You know...(He notices that the cup of water on the table in front of him ripples at a small vibration. Jerk now looks scared.) It can only be the most terrifying, most gruesome, most nightmare inducing... (The 8 Passenger DeLorean encounters T-rex, that's is clearly a puppet. Jerk is no longer scared, but confused.) ...hand puppet ever made (?) (Cut to a toy T-Rex, that fake growls, from a skit from "Mr. Show with Bob (Odenkirk) and David (Cross).") Jerk (v/o): Yeah, as much as I’ve harped on CGI in the past, there’s things it does better. This thing still has a certain homemade charm to it, but it’s no longer that scary. Hell, it wasn’t even the scariest T-rex in the park for very long (Jurassic Park the Ride) Jerk: Like the mighty T-rex itself, time has not been kind to this poor fellow. Or to put it in another war: Jerk (v/o): (Singing) I’m a mediocre T-rex T-rex! Jerk: (To NC) There, (Raise the cup of water) I finally used one of your memes, Critic, happy now? (Sips the water) NC: (Looking off screen) Hmm? Oh, sorry I was too busy yelling at Film Brain. (Cut to Il Nege’s apartment.) Il Nege: For the last time, I’m not Film Brain! I’m not ever British! NC: (Slaming his fist on the desk) I’LL DECIDE WHO’S BRITISH! (Cut back to the ride, where the 8 passenger DeLorean is being attacked by the “Mediocre” T-rex) Doc Brown/Jerk (v/o): Quick, Vorb, give him the Brain Grain! (The T-rex traps us inside his mouth.) AHHH! (The T-rex spits us out) T-rex/Jerk (v/o) When I eat you, it’s like I’m eating my brother. Jerk (v/o): Somehow, Biff’s avoids falling into a huge pile of Dino manure. (We cut a clip from Jurassic Park, where Ian Malcolm is next to the big pile of shit, which we see Biff in. ) But, then his (Biff’s) Flux Capacitor gives out. (Both DeLoreans are inside the volcano) Biff Tannen: It’s a Lava flow, Doc, help me! Doc Brown: Hang on, Biff! Biff: Please bump me! * That’s what I heard, bat apparently Jerk heard something else. Jerk: Did Biff just say, “Facebook me?” Biff: Please bump me! (Jerk then goes on his phone and finds Biff Tannen’s Facebook profile.) Jerk: (To Biff) I think you stayed in 2015 too long. (Reading his profile) Holy shit, he’s a Mormon?! Jerk (v/o): So, Biff gets enough ‘likes’ for us to finally save his ass by bumping his car and creating a time vortex that sends us crashing into a brand name. (We crash into the Institute of Future Technologies’ wall with the “Back to the Future” logo on it.) And the employees of the Institute committed Biff to a mental institution, where he spent the rest of his days ranting about flying cars and dinosaur puppets and hallucinating Doc face everywhere (Cut to a clip from “One Flew Over The Cukoo’s Nest,” Max Tarber, played by Christopher Lloyd, stick his tongue out.) Jerk: And that was the last anyone ever saw of the legendary Biff Tannen. Jerk (v/o) The manure hating douche bag who’s manure hating douch bag-iness transcended generations, through centuries and centuries of Tannens in an almost Nietzsche-ian loop of eternal recasting. (Cut to a scene from “Back to the Future: Part II”) 77-year-old Biff/Jerk (v/o): (To Young Biff) No matter what you do, it will never amount to more than a drop of manure in a limitless butthead. 17-year-old Biff/Jerk (v/o): But, what is a butthead, but a multitude of manure. (Cut to a shot of the blue sky with the caption: “Loud Atlas.” Cut back to the enf of the ride) Doc Brown: You did it! (Cut to Jerk in a Universal Studios gift shop.) Jerk: (Happy) Not only did we no do anything, I’m not even sure what were have supposed to have done! YEAH! (He starts playing with 2 DeLorean toys behind him) “Ah, Don’t bump me!” Jerk (v/o): Seriously, what was our part in all that? Doc was controlling the car remotely, across thousands of years, somehow. Pre-history must’ve had amazing wifi. (Cut to Doc Brown, back in the pre-show.) Doc Brown: I need you to help me navigate! Jerk (v/o): And we sure did a bang up job of that! (We in 2015 segment, we crashed into several signs) Ow. Did he just need us to weigh the car down, so it wouldn’t fly up into space? (Cut to a logo for “Universal Studios: Hollywood”) Announcer/Jerk (v/o): Universal: “You’re all just bags of meat!" Jerk: At any rate, it turns out we traveled so far back in time, we changed the present, completely! Among other things… Jerk (v/o): George Bailey was never born, Buckbeak was put down, Mr. Peabody was put down, The Doctor stole the Supreme Being’s map, the Rainmaker killed all the loopers, Austin Powers’ mojo was turned into Soylent Green, Ted Theodore Logan got sent to military school in Alaska, where he knocked up Sarah Palin’s dog and created a race of dog men, who evolved into Morlocks, who worship Sonmi-451 and use seas shells for toilet paper, Bill Murray got stuck in a time warp, Tom Cruise got stuck in a time warp, again, Homer (Simpson) fixes his toaster, (Philip J.) Fry had sex with his grandma, Blendin wins at Globnar, Timecop arrested Ashton Kutcher, Bogladites invades Earth, Bowler Hat Guy’s Bowler Hat enslaved the Robinsons, Turkeys prevented the 1st Thanksgiving, Rob Corddry joined Motley Crue, Pottersville was sued into bankruptsy by J.K. Rowling, Captain Kirk was Chris Pine, Marty McFly was Eric Stoltz, the drug dealer in “Pulp Fiction” was Michael J. Fox, Peyton Reed was fired from this ride and replaced by Edgar Wright,,and everyone loved the results, but it was still close, the lizard people all had and existential crisis, Mike Nelson was replaced by his brother, Eddie, Jeff Winger rolled a one and everyone turned evil, Miranda July’s cat, some French guy reconnected with a woman he saw once, Donnie Darko…I don’t know, Skynet created the Sentinels and killed everyone, aliens raise the dead, Apes control the planet, 9/11 never happened (Which gets a thumbs up), The Omega 13 destroyed the universe,… Jerk: and of course, we got a tiny smidge of Doc Brown DNA on a prehistoric mushroom, so now everything on the planet is Doc! (We cut some of the videos from the “Show me your Doc” Sweepstakes.) Doc 1: Marty, I’ve invented a new time machine! (It’s the time dagger from “Prince of Persia: Sands of Time.”) It runs on sand! Doc 2: Marty, I just realized, sex with vehicles hurts your genitalia! Doc 3: We need to send you “Back to the Future” on VHS, on Blu-ray, on Laserdisc! Doc 4: The Universe will destroy itself the entire time paradox, Marty! Doc 5: Don’t sell Einstein to the Nazis! Doc 6: There’s something different about the DeLorean, Marty! (Holds up toy of DeLorean) I’m not sure what, but there is! Doc 7: I went back in time and realized, there’s not such thing as time travel! This is a Thanksgiving feast of not making sense! Doc 8, 9 and 10: I was Frozen today! (10 holding up a DVD Case of Frozen) Doc 11: (Singing) Do you want to build a snowman? Doc 12: Marty, (tears up a piece of paper) Confetti! Doc 3: On Video CD! (drops doc voice) Yeah, like, literally, have you even heard of “Video CD?” That’s…that’s a thing. (Cut to a bottle of Dr. Brown’s root beer, with a white napkin on top, it gets pushed over.) Doc 13: (He’s using his white dog as a wig) I seem to have fused Einstein with my head, it’s gone horribly wrong! Ow! Now he’s eating me! Doc 14: (Slowly) What….does…yellow…light…mean? Doc 15: Great Scott! Doc 16: (A sock puppet with a white sock for hair) Good evening, I’m Sockter Emmett Brown Doc 17 (Luke Ski): Wibbily, wobbily, timey-wimey! Doc 18 (Doggans): Unless we bring up the technobabble to do the gobbildy-gook… Doc 19: Reagan, really, Reagan? Doc 20 (Conspiracy guy): Bump him, that’s right, bump him! Doc 21: Shove these giant beans up your ass! Doc 1: (Holding a toy TARDIS) It’s bigger on the inside! Doc 16: Who do you think, the linens! Doc 22: (Scared) God, Marty, WHO ARE YOU! Doc Brown Universal Character: You are in the future, looking at me in the past. Great Scott, it’s mind bobbling! (We cut to some one dressed as Marty) Marty Person: I’m not getting this, am I? (Cut to a 9 frame split-screen of 9 Docs, then a 25 frame split-screen with Rick from “Rick and Morty,” Lego Doc Brown, Doc Ock from “Spider-man 2,” Doc Hudson from “Cars,” Doc Hopper from “the Muppet Movie, Doc from “Snow White and the Seven Dwarves,” the Goldentusk video of the “Back to the Future Theme Song” video, and “the Doc Brown Tree.” The screen explodes to black and a drumroll) Jerk (v/o) AND NOW…THE GRAND PRUZE WINNER OF THE #SHOWMEYOURDOC SWEEPSTAKES… IS……GONNA BE ANNOUNCED AFTER THESE COMMERCIALS! Crowd (v/o): Booooo! Jerk (v/o): Bite me! (Cut to the commercial break. Afterward, we cut to a black and white 50s looking commercial from “Back to the Future” of doctor leaving an operating room and going up to the camera.) Medical Doctor: After facing attention of doing 3 lung operations in a row, I like to relax by lighting up (Holds a pack of cigarettes) a “Sir Randolf.” I know it’s fine tobacco taste will soothe my nerves and improve my circulation. (He puts one in his mouth and lights it.) Ah, now that’s the taste that relaxes, “Sir Randolf.” (Afterward we cut to yellow.) Announcer: We now return to “Doc Talk” (We cut to Jerk talking to “the Doc Brown Tree,” Spazz Master, with the Figment the Dragon plush doll, reading the Sports Almanac.) Jerk: Look, Doc, I agree with you intellectually, but toy don’t see the need to bring racial epithets into it. Spazz Master: (To Jerk) He’s from a different time! Jerk: So, send him back to it! (He claps his hands and a hand off screen holds a Chloroform cloth. But Spazz sees it.) Spazz: No, no, allow me! (Spazz puts the cloth to Figment’s mouth, then his, then both fall down.) Jerk: Meh, potato/po-tat-o. (To the camera) Anyway… (Cut to black and drumroll) Jerk (v/o): THE GRAND PRIZE WINNE OF THE #SHOWMEYOURDOC SWEEKSTAKES IS…ROB BERGMAN! (We cut to Rob Bergman’s video entry) Doc/Rob Bergman: (He had a orange toy gun to his head) My only regret is “Oogie Love!” (He pulls the rigger, but nothing happens. He feels his head for a wound, Then looks at the gun.) Note to self: The gun made out of Cheetos doesn’t work. (Takes a pretend bite out if the gun) Mmm, but, it tastes average! (Afterward Balloons and party streamers pass the video, they hold the caption “Congratulations Rob! I hereby consider you the Real Doc Brown for one year.” As the balloons pass, we hear Huey Lewis and the News’ “Back in Time.” Robert’s photo is put on the monitor of the 8 passenger DeLorean, which is then cut by Doc from the end of the ride.) Doc Brown: Go forth time travelers and remember that the future is what you make it! Doc Brown/Jerk: By the way, I’m still trapped in my office, in case anyone’s curious. (Beat) Hello? I mean, I’m fine for now, but after 18 hours I will eat the boom mike. Jerk: And that’s “Back to the Future: The Ride.” (Sighs) I think it’s a little overrated. Audience: Booo! Jerk: Hear me out! Jerk (v/o): If you couldn’t tell by now, “Back to the Future” is my favorite film trilogy of all time, bar none! “Star Wars” can suck it, “Lord of the Rings;” boring, “Toy Story” (Beat) was a close 2nd back when it was a trilogy. For me, “Back to the Future” beats them all, not just for the jokes or the characters or action or the intricate sci-fi plotting, but for the craft of all of the above. The 1st movie, especially, is built like a swiss watch; every shot, every story beats, every line of dialogue, every last casting choice, every molecule feels fussed over to perfection and you wouldn't change a frame. A movie so dedicated to excellence, they replaced the lead actor half-way through shooting (Eric Stoltz with Michael J. Fox)! Sure, the sequels got little goofy! (Cut to "Back to the Future: Part II") Whitey (One of Griff Tannen's Henchmen): Unless you've got power! (He and the other 2 henchmen laugh) Jerk (v/o): Ok, a lot goofy. But, I still love the hell out of "Part II" for its fucking weirdness and "Part III" for is unabashed sweetness and aside from the different Jennifers and Georges and Marty's obvious age difference (We cut to him in "Part III" with the caption: "Still playing a 17-year-old" (Personally, Michael J. Fox looked more like a teenager in the sequels than Elizabeth Shue did in them.)), they all belong together. I look at the ride and I just don't see that level of perfectionism. I see a ton a fun, don't get me wrong. The actual ride part was actually the most exciting thing in the whole park, while it lasted, but that's kind of it. This wouldn't be much of a problem if it was just some theme park ride, (Cut to an interview with the ride's director, Douglas Trumbull.) Douglas Trumbull: It's not just some theme park ride to be dismissed as an amusement. To me, it's an important cinematic experience. (Cut to an interview with Robert Zemeckis (Director of all 3 films)) Robert Zemeckis: It truly is a fair continuation of the films. (Cut to an interview with Thomas F. Wilson, who plays Biff in the films, ride, show, and video game) Thomas F. Wilson: The ride is...we look at it as "Back to the Future IV." (Cut to an interview with Steven Spielberg, Executive producer of the trilogy) Steven Spielberg: Almost, like, "Back to the Future: Part IV." Jerk (v/o): Even if they had tried to sell it as "just a ride," it was pretty screen heavy. The queue relied a lot on video clips to tell its back story. Nothing wrong with that, hell, makes my job a lot easier. But, it's just not the same as telling a story strictly within a real enviroment. Like it or not, it's cinema and if it really wants to be reviewed as such,...well, I just can't look past the big plot holes. Why did Doc start the institute if he's still afraid of paradoxes? Why does Doc need us in his remote controlled time machine? Why doesn't Old Biff (In "Back to the Future: Part II) remember any of this shit? How does young Biff even know any of this shit? (Cut to Biff talking to us through the security camera.) Biff: You know, the "flying DeLorean." Jerk (v/o): They don't even have regular DeLorean's when you come from (Which is 1955)! And why the hell are they even worried about Biff in the 1st place? Just hire one security guard tougher than Crispin Glover, problem solved! (We see Biff take out some Institute workers by throwing a box of marbles on the floor and tripping them.) I'd expect this kind of silly shit from a "Bill and Ted" movie, not "Back to the Future!" I know the trilogy had plot holes too, but never super obvious ones, except maybe for all the slow news days (The newspaper front pages in the trilogy mostly focused on stuff that happened to Doc and the McFly family). The ride is just kind of slapped together, but a fin kind of slapped together! Christopher Lloyd is great as always. the simulation was exciting, the set design had tons of clever touches, and the sheer scope of it was worth the price alone. Though, the home release diminishes those last 3 and sadly, that's the only way to see it now. In 2007, the Institute closed up shot and to Universal's credit, they actually gave it a proper send off, turning the countdown to it's closure into a month-long event in and of itself. (Cut to the start of the month-long event. A Universal executive is talking to a crowd of people.) Executive: Come visit, one last, before the ride is history. Jerk (v/o): For years, the only remnants of it were the Doc Brown walk-around character and the nearby eatery, "Doc Brown's Marty" (Actually it's "Doc Brown's Chicken," Jerk is referencing how Marty hated being called that in the sequels) and now, even that's gone! (We cut to a chicken that's clucking is subtitled: "Nobody...calls me...Marty!" The tries to wildly get out of it's cage, we then cut to Jerk eating a chicken drumstick in front of the DeLorean in the NBC Universal Experience.) Jerk: (Mouth full of food) To satiate the fans, in 2013, they (Universal) added this DeLorean "Hero" car to the NBC Universal Experience...museum...thing. (Jerk looks at the DeLorean) Boy, that would make a fun ride! Jerk (v/o): For what it's worth, Japan still has the orignal ride, sort of. (We cut to footage of the ride, but Doc Brown is dubbed in Japanese.) But in America, I guess the space-time continuum just couldn't take anymore. * Universal Japan closed the ride in May 2016 (Cut to Jerk on the ramps leading into "The Simpsons Ride," that was formerly "Back to the Future: The Ride.") Jerk: Maybe I'd have a better opinion of "Back to the Future: the Ride" if I'd grown up with it more. But, sadly, I only got the chance to actually ride it once on a family vacation here. By the time I moved to LA, it was already gone. I guess that's why time-travel fascinates so much, doesn't it? We all have regrets, we all wish we could undo our mistakes and spend more time with the people and places, no longer with us. It's hard not to live in the past. But, sometimes, if you open your mind just wide enough, the future can hold even greater reward. (Jerk heads down the ramp as we get a shot of the nearby sun. We then cut back to the interview with Douglas Trumbull, to somber music.) Douglas Trumbull: "Back to the Future: Ride" has never been looked at as cinema, it's never been considered to be a stepping stone toward a new kind of immersive entertainment. But, I think someday, it will be. (Cut to a a Universal staff member on a bull horn to people in line, Somber music still playing.) Staff member: The Institute of Future Technologies is now closed! (Cut to a new broadcast) Field reporter: Over 60 millions people have taken this wild ride, and today marked the end of an era. (Cut back to the staff member and the line of fans) Staff member: Enjoy your final journey back to the future! Fan: (Chanting) Long live the future! Long live the future! (We see a montage of fans say this through out the month-long event. We then cut back to the interview with Steven Spielberg.) Steven Spielberg: It's, I think, currently the state of the art, as far as the film audience interactions goes and I'm sure it'll be antiquated and...and put behind itself, someday by some new ride! I'm sure that will happen. (We then cut to the music video for "Do the Bartman!" and the Cut to to Jerk in front of "The Simpsons Ride") Jerk: But, that's a story for next time, until then (Gets ready to snap his fingers, but decides not to) I'll see you in the future. (He then notices other Jerks) Jerk doppelgänger: There he is! Get me! (The Jerks charge after him.) Jerk: Oh my god! (He runs away to a corner of another building in the park) That's it, I'm burning this show to the ground! (He dials the time-circuits and drives the DeLorean. We cut to white and the caption "32 years earlier...," then cut to him talking to his younger mom, played by Trickster Bell. Jerk is playing around with a Rubiks Cube) Mrs. Goldmark/Trickster Bell: Look, I'm sorry, mysterious stranger, but I just don't want an abortion. Jerk: Shit. Well, Plan B, it is. Mrs. Goldmark/Tricksterbell: (Looks confused) It hasn't been invented yet! (We then cut to to white with the caption "28 years later...," where cut to Jerk's "Country Bears" review) 2011 Jerk (v/o): This footage (The intro of the bears) is being watch by…(sighs) You know what! 2011 Jerk: Screw this, I’m gonna go ride Splash Mountain. (Walks off camera, we see him make his way to Splach mountain, only to see the long line.) Sweet Jesus Marie! That line's got to be 2 miles long! (We cut to 2015 Jerk putting a piece of paper near where 2011 Jerk was reviewing and the he disappears. 2011 Jerk returns.) The line...(Notices the paper, it's a fast pass for Splash Mountain with the "from" and "to" parts replaced in marker with "Now" and 'An hour from now" and it's availability to "today!") Seems Legit! (We then cut to pov footage of him riding Splash Mountain.) YAY! (We then cut to white again with the caption "4 years later..." and then to Jerk or rather, Tony Goldmark, in his apartment, on his computer, looking disheveled.) Tony Goldmark: (as he's typing) "I'm glad I gave up on the whole 'Internet reviewer' thing, it let me pursue my true calling of being a Channel Awesome troll. Go get aborted." (Examines what he wrote) Worthy of Hemingway. (As he pressed the enter button) 'Tweet!' (has his arms crossed like he's proud of himself) Yeah. (His computer goes static then cuts to the Nostalgia Critic.) NC: JERK! Tony: (Surprised) Same to you! NC: No, no, Some Jerk With A Camera, that's what you were gonna call yourself. Tony: (Confused) Maybe (?) NC: Oh thank god, I found you! I need your help! You know Spazz Master? Tony: The new guy? NC: Yeah! Well, it turns out that he takes orders directly from Figment (The Dragon) and now they're like the biggest thing on the internet! That thing is trying to purge the world of internet reviewers! He says they lack imagination! (There's a knock outside Critic's door) Figment (v/o): Come on out, Critic, time for your little spark! NC: (Scared) You've gotta go back in time and make yourself do your show, Jerk! The trolls will be next! (We hear his door broken down, Critic screams as Figments rushes to him.) Tony: (Realizes) If Channel Awesome is gone, there'll be nothing to troll! (A knock is heard at Tony's door.) Figment (v/o): Troll? Troll, come out and pla-ay! (Tony looks scared, he dials the time circuits, we cut to white again with the caption "Four years earlier..." We 2015A Jerk place the fast pass, after he leaves, Tony takes it Tony: Yoink! (2011 Jerk returns.) 2011 Jerk: The line for Splash Mountain is 2 miles long, so… (cut to "The Country Bears" film.) 2011 Jerk (v/o): This little bear cub, I shit you not, is named Beary Barrington. (We then cut to the end of "Plan 9 From Outer Space") The Amazing Criswell: God help us in the future! (We end with the caption "The End." We then cut to the End Credits. Afterward, we cut back to Jerk at Disneyland in 2011.) Jerk: (realizes than turns off screen) Hey, have either of you guys seen any Splash Mountain Fast Passes around here? (We see he's talking to 2 more Jerks.) Jerk 2: Nowhere at all, (To Jerk 3) have you? Jerk 3: No. Jerk 2: No, sorry, we have not. Jerk (Sighs): Ugly buttheads! (The End) Category:Some Jerk With a Camera Transcripts Category:Content Category:Guides Category:Transcripts